Thursday, 14 May 2009

The World's worst lyrics, with free witty commentary.

I've been running this feature in my Paper for a while now, here are the best ones, starting with Christmas!


"When The Snowman Brings the Snow..."
- Slade demonstarte a complete lack of meteological knowledge.


"Let all the people say Amen
In every tribe and tongue
Let every heart's desire be joined
To see the kingdom come"
- I'm not sure Bin Laden sings this while sipping his eggnog. Sorry Cliff. Fucking travesy of a song by the way.


"Santa Baby, Come trim my christmas tree"
- I bet Santa would have killed Mrs Claus just to trim Ms. Monroe's tree.


Thank god thats over...


"One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four step inside the venue"
- Craig David's pre-gig ritual ensures he doesn't trip up over this laces. You can't ever be safe from loose shoes.


"I aint never seen,
An ass like that.
The way you move it,
Makes my pee-pee go doing doing doing."
- Now THIS is gansta rappin'. You so ghetto Eminem.


"Young, black and Famous,
With money hangin' out the anus."
- Wouldn't a wallett make more sense P Diddy???


"Touch my bum,
This is life."
- Yes Cheeky girls. That IS life.


"In Portugese it means bring your ass on the dance floor and move it real fast,
I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty
Want to know where I go when I'm in you city?"
- Kevin Federline are you comparing a this poor womans holiest of holes to a city??? Thats plain harsh.

And now, offically the worst piece of lyricism ever, the lyric that makes Shakespeare turn in his grave, vomit, poo himself and then not no where to turn next...


"I don't want to see a ghost,
It's the sight I fear the most,
I'd rather have a piece of toast,
Watch the evening news."
- Desree discovers rhymingdictionary.com

Still Jonny from the Blog

So, if it aint a Blue Peter Presenter its S Club 7, if it's not Pete Doherty its Amy Winehouse. It seems we're all doing drugs these days (except me mom!) , and it comes as no surprise to most of us that celebs are among the most guilty.

But for years and years it never seemed to be a problem. Gigs generally happened when they were planned and those most famous for their habits were usually the most creative (The Beatles for one.) Sure the odd hotel room got demolished, but it was good, clean, hazy fun. Even now such crazies seem perfectly normal, fatherly figures for us all to look up to (like alledged wife beater David Hasselhoff) and saner than sane Ozzy Osborne. Not a good example...

But recently there has been a spate of no shows, media interest and un-needed press. I have to wonder why today it seem we have more celebs falling apart. Did the press just not report it? Its a strange state of affairs when Amy Winehouse's boyfriend tops the news bill over world politics. Obviously its what we like to hear about, but as news journalists, surely apaers have a responsibility to steer news in the correct direction? Those that want to read about Amy Winehouse can read a music magazine, look on the internet or just turn the bloody page to the music section.

What happened to lovely poetry award winning Pete and wonderfully voluptuous Amy? They got famous, and got money. That's what happened.

These guys were timebombs just waiting for a spark of ignition and money was that spark. If such people were middle class guys working in telemarketing they would wear suits and reminicse about the time at uni when they got stoned and ate 5 pot noodles in a row. Instead they can get as much as they want of any drug, drink, fast food etc etc All it takes is a certain personality to get into trouble with that.

But what people don't seem to think about is that being an artist is a job. Like you shouldn't get pissed-faced the night before work, you shouldn't the night before a gig. People are paying you, so you owe it to them to turn up and be on form.

It doesn't help that Amy, the current focus of the tabloids, has what appears to be a complete beserker for a boyfriend, and while I can't compare myself to the celebs I assure you, if this blog brings me fame and fortune, I will still be Jonny from the Blog.

I saw Yeasayer and I say Yea!

I was dragged to this gig by a friend, who told me that "I would appreciate this band.." When someone assures me I will like someone I am usually disappointed, much like when your friend matchmakes you with her "cool" (i.e. ugly) friend. But being drunk I was perfectly willing to be dragged, and at the end of the night was incredibly glad I was.

Despite hailing from Brooklyn, New York, Yeasayer do not scream Rock'n'Roll. The bassist looks like the Principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," the guitarist like a miniature version of Big Chief from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and the singer well...he doesn't look like a singer at all.

But aesthetics aside this is a truly excellent, innovative band, and the fact that the Hub was almost empty was an absolute crime. The guitar pedals, synths, samplers and drum machines used make for an epic but still intensely rhythmical and simple sound. The bassist uses a fretless guitar with bizarre accuracy and skill, whilst still singing along as part of the four part harmonies and counter melodies which create a sense of Texas or South American country. They are the first band I have seen that has truly mastered the mix of rock and electronica, as well as many wide ranging genres. Those that claim the new Radiohead album has done this should take a listen to Yeasayer.

"2080's" vocal hook is unforgettable, and the sparse introduction to sunrise un-nerving yet still catchy, making you feet and arms move completely involuntarily. Each song had a new idea that sets it apart not only from other bands but from each song in the set and the only people moving more than the audience was the singer, who looked on the verge of collapse at any second. After the gig I approached them for a chat and a casual game of "Cock Or Ball" (which they suspiciously good at.) The guys were much more normal the their music might suggest, being very grounded and friendly, moaning about exchange rates and answering all my tedious question about their large array of instruments.

If what they can do live translated well on to CD I can't see why this band couldn't truly break the UK. Out of the blue they were truly original, melodic and danceable. I can't stress enough how much you should check out this bands myspace, because they piss all over most of their, much better known, contemporaries.

Selling out is the new...Not selling out.

There is a lot of hate in the music industry. To quote the great (!?) Charlie Simpson "Fans take as much pride in hating bands as liking them." It may be a sweeping generalization, but in my experience people, and indeed reviewers, find and cling (sometimes correctly) to any reason at all to hate bands without ever alluding to their music.

Of course sometimes you don't need to. A band that doesn't write its own music rarely deserves the success it gains. In today's industry, where songwriters are ten a penny, many talented musicians are pushed out of the limelight by bands like Westlife, who can quite frankly screw themselves with a rusty spoon and get tetanus.

But all too often I find respectable, talented musicians lumped in with the tripe of boy and girl bands. I'm talking of supposed "Sell Outs" who are claimed to be in it for the money or fame, not the music, simply because they sign to major labels, or start writing more accessible music.

An excellent example is Greenday, no longer sub-level punk rock heroes but world arena superstars, who "sold out" in 1994 by signing to a major, and then somehow again when they released American Idiot. While it was a departure in many ways I think that the album was superior lyrically, emotively, musically and productionally to all their previous records. What is more, the songs on this album, to me, are less catchy and accessible than anthems like Basket Case, Longview or Time Of Your Life.

There seems to have been a movement against corporate music, magazines and labels since Bob Dylan's controversial move from acoustic to electric, which alienated half his fans who believed he was bowing to commercial and progressional pressures.

But the whole notion is absurd, contradictory and completely self destructive for artists. Had Nirvana not signed to Sub Pop (a label half owned by Universal) we would probably have never heard of one of the most influential artists of our time, and the Foo Fighters may have never existed. Of course Kurt Cobain is famous for hating the popular culture lifestyle he was forced to live. Had he been able to embrace it maybe things would have been different for Nirvana.

Money aside, major labels offer an opportunity for musical exposure that few (actually independent) indie labels could even hope to create. They offer advertising campaigns, contacts and placement that can bring an artist right to the public eye. It also creates profits that reflect the talent and work that goes into being in the music industry. Why is it that for an artist to have integrity they must earn a small wage packet and be heard by as few people as possible, or stick to the music or genre they started in?

I maintain that the hardest music to write is commercial music, and in particular commercial music that doesn't sound like everything else on the radio. This does therefore not include the mind-numbing-music-murdering number ones that Westlife or Atomic Kitten churn out. I'm talking about bands like Feeder and Coldplay, songwriters like Gary Barlow and innovators like Matt Bellamy, who despite their vast wealth seem to lose respect of the "elite" the more popular they get, but have offered so much more to music than many of the bands NME claim will "Change your life".

I saw Muse at Wembley, largely because Biffy Clyro we playing, and was completely and utterly blown away by the talent, variety and sheer technical ability Matt Bellamy, and the whole band, showed during their monster 2.5 hour set. And still by many Muse are seen as this over-hyped, overly successful band (type "I hate Muse" into google and you'll see) when I think they will be seen as one of the greats of our era, and for years to come.

Thankfully this notion of "selling out" is slowly disappearing. The creation of iTunes, myspace and illegal p2p software has meant that smaller bands get better exposure, reducing the polarization of the big and the little bands. Bands like Biffy Clyro and System of a Down have managed top twenty SINGLES, and this will hopefully give rise to the pushing out of watered-down R'n'B and manufactured pop artists.

In fact everyone is now selling out, with bigger turnovers, TV ads and interviews, being heard by more people and being branded as commercial without the derogartory insinuations. Downloads mean charts are more accurate representations of music consumption and many indie labels are being brought out, offering new opportunities to their bands.

Music is more and more accessible, but in so many ways the cloud of musical snobbery that surrounds so many genres is yet to clear, even now that the boundaries are gone. We can't all like pop, or rock, or rap but we can at least accept and applaud the achievements of musicians in their areas whether they make money from it or not.

The WHY!? Factor

I think we all know how we all feel about The X Factor. If "A Clockwork Orange" had been written forty years later I feel sure that Alex Delarge would have been forced to watch it. But while the fact that it is on television haunts me every night, I do get a good chuckle out of the fact that it won Best Comedy Entertainment Programme over Jonathan Ross at the British Comedy Awards in 2005.

The thing is, I always used to watch it and I can't for the life of me work out why. The auditions are of course hilarious, Simon Cowell's sheer ego a marvel to behold and the audience wonderfully cringing. But now, even the joy that is Dannii Minogue can't hold my attention. And it's because of all the people in this year's competition, not ONE of them has real talent. 200,000 people auditioned, and here we are now with seven either plain, plain bad or unoriginal artists. Is this really the best the UK can come up with?

I can hear the cry's of angered girls who watch the show, drinking lambrini before hitting town on a Saturday. "What about Rhydian?!" The man has no variation, his Pink cover was laughable and the way he smiles he could be Satan himself having a go at pop. Beverly is obviously just going to produce an album of Whitney and Aretha Franklin covers. Hope, aside from having the worst band name ever, are simply leggy, made up girls who can sing in tune. Also can someone tell the tall black one not to wear heels when the rest of the band are a foot shorter…?

But it is the presence of "Same Difference" that most agitates me. Not only does it scream of a brother-sister relationship with a lot of, shall we say … secrets, they are cringingly plain and boring, and it causes me physical pain to watch. The fact that their selected songs come from Steps, S Club 7 and High School Musical is a testament to the fact that they should be singing at Haven or Butlins, or worse the Eurovision Song Contest.

But let's not get me started on that monstrosity.

Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Fan Club

It struck me last week that, as a guy who supposedly loves music, the fact that I didn't own a single Beatles album was nothing short of absurd.

So I toddled off to my local CD shop and bought "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" simply because I love Fionn Regans cover of "Getting Better." (And because of the Eastenders musical thing on Children In Need.)

Today the record seems a little dated. Many of the people I have spoke to find it a little sickly and the analogue recording a little amateur sounding. Aside from that being bollocks, the truth is that this is a record that changed the world. For a start, what sickly pop songs today are about LSD or have a sitar/bongo solo preceding a song like "When I'm Sixty Four?"

Some of the recording techniques were way ahead of their time - it was so rare for a band of that era to take such care and thought over the recording of an album, even to the point that it doesnt really make sense. The last sonds on the album are the conversations of the beatles in the studio on tape, cut up and stuck back in a random order. A process that is used, to much better effect, all over the album. They used all the benfits of live and analogue instruments to their highest potential, putting vocals through hammond organs and using headphones as microphones (not sure how that works...)

But aisde from this the songs and their arrangements are just stunning. "With A Little Help From My Friends" is a delight, "Getting Better" much better than Fionn's excellent cover, "A Day In The Life" simply epic. The title track sounds like James Brown with the Birmingham Brass Band behind him. Actually it doesn't really, but I cant quite describe it.

The album is a triumph in innovation with mass appeal but also, hardest of all, a master class in longevity.